Subject: MLS drinking game
From: double@man.utd (munch)
Date: May 16, 1996

MLS drinking game
The  MLS drinking game has been developed in order to make the league
season a little more exciting and fun.  To go with the good of the
league, we must put up with the bad.  This game definetely punishes
the viewer of a match, the drinker, for matters on the pitch.  All you
need to play is plenty of beer, an MLS game on tv, and a few of your
best mates to watch and join you as you all get thoroughly inebriated.

Overall, this was designed for the average college student's need to
have an excuse to drink mass quantities of beer and have fun doing it
in the fashion of old style drinking games like 3 man and Asshole.  

If you have any additions, feel free to add them because it does need
some work in some places.

For players on the field of play:
If a player, players, or team(s):
        dribbles, takes on man, and loses the ball- one drink
        overruns the ball whilst dribbling - two drinks
        dribbles and is caught in possession by the other team- five drinks
                ...and gives a scoring opportunity - ten drinks
                ...and gives up a goal - one beer
        dribbles and loses the ball to a teammate by miscommunication - five drinks
        dribbles out of bounds - ten drinks
        has a misskick/misspass - one drink
        passes the ball to no one (not to open space) - two drinks
        passes the ball out of bounds - five drinks
        passes the ball to the opposing team - ten drinks
                ...and they score - one beer
        shoot the ball wide/high - one drink
        shoots the ball 10 yards wide/high - five drinks 
        shoots the ball 20 yards wide/high - ten drinks
        shoots the ball over the sideline for a throw-in - one beer
        shoots and misses the ball - one beer
        shoots the ball into his own goal - two beers
        misstraps the ball - one drink
        complains to the ref - two drinks
        is offside - two drinks 
        dives - two drinks
                ...and acts injured - five drinks
                        ...gets up, and walks without a limp -ten drinks 
                        ...gets up, and walks with a limp - one beer
                        ...and is carried off on a stretcher - one beer
        spits - five drinks
        loses the ball in the sun - five drinks
        gets a yellow card - five drinks 
        commits a foul - five drinks
        is substituted for overall bad play - ten drinks
        commits a foul throw in - ten drinks
        gets a red card - one beer (2 yellows = 1 red; 1 beer and 10 drinks)
        fights - one beer
        if you cannot pronounce the names of an entire team's starting 11 - one beer

Double the drinks if a US national team or marquee player commits the bad 
play or is a part of it.        

For bad announcer:
If the announcer(s):
        says something about a sponsor - one drink
        mispronounces a player's name - three drinks
        mistakes one player for another - five drinks
        talks about a player's college, former club, national team, or 
        little league team - ten drinks
        is Tye Keough - drink one beer because he is an idiot 
        explains a rule of soccer wrong - ten drinks
                ...and it is Tye Keough - drink one beer
        says something stupid like if someone else would have scored, 
        someone else could have won - ten drinks
                        ...and it is Tye Keough - one beer
        asks Tye Keough about his glory days playing soccer - drink two beers 
        and God save us
For ugly fans in the stands:
If a fan(s):
        is not wearing a shirt - one drink for every one
        is a child and is wearing a silly wig - five drinks
        is an adult and is wearing a silly wig  - ten drinks
                ...and it is actually their real hair - one beer
        doesn't look like they can speak a word of english - five drinks
        actually speaks a foreign language to the camera - ten drinks

For idiot camera men:
If a camera man:
        misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player 
                on the field - one drink
        misses the action because of a close up on a non-involved player 
                on the sideline - two drinks
        misses the action because of a close up of a coach - five drinks 
        misses the action because of a close up of the crowd - ten drinks
        misses the action because of a replay - ten drinks
        misses the action because of a close up of an announcer - one beer
                ...and it is Tye Keough - two beers

For the teams:
Los Angeles:
        every time someone besides Jorge Campos takes a goal-kick - 
                one drink
        every time Jorge Campos throws the ball instead of punting it - 
                two drinks
        every time there is a remark about Jorge Campos' kit - five drinks
        every time there is a remark about Cobi Jones' dreadlocks - 
                five drinks
        every time Shue's acting career is mentioned - ten drinks
        every time Shue fucks up on the field - one beer

New England:
        every time Lalas' hair is mentioned - five drinks
                ...goatee - ten drinks
                        ...band, the Gypsies - a beer
        every time I (or you ) wish Lalas would roll over and die - a keg
        every time the announcers do not mention how Alan Shearer shoved 
        2 goals down Lalas' throat in '94 after he was talking shit about 
        Alan - the whole Anheuser-Busch brewery

        every time there is a remark about Valderamma's hair - five drinks
        every time Kooiman kicks, punches, jumps on, bites, or elbows 
        another player - ten drinks
        every time you see Kooiman and Valderamma and wish they would do 
        something else with their hair - one beer

San Jose:
        every time Crazy George is shown on tv - five drinks
        every time a Queen song is being played in the background at the 
        stadium - ten drinks

        every time Paz is offside - five drinks besides the two for being 
        every time the fans storm the pitch after the match (because you are 
        not there!) - ten drinks

        every time the University of Virginia is mentioned - five drinks
        every time the number of soccer titles they have won is mentioned - 
        ten drinks
        every time Bruce Arena is called a stud because of the title - one beer
        because they are a shitty team even though they beat Columbus 5-2 
        (Brucie, go back to Virginia ) - one beer
Kansas City:
        every time the Wiz is mentioned ( huh, huh, he said wiz) - five drinks
        every time you hear the chant, _ding, dong, the wiz is dead_ (not 
        witch; that stupid Wizard of Oz crap) - ten drinks

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 27, 1996

Excellent idea, and I see that you have given some serious thought to the
issues involved. I'd just cut down on the number of drinks you have to consume
for each of the things that you mentioned (otherwise the game is just too
expensive, I mean, you're talking two kegs per capita). Other rules to

If a viewer asks to switch from Univision to ESPN, he downs the beer.
If Longo is unable to restrain a moaning sound during the broadcast, everybody
If a viewer likes the purple and green ball, he downs the beer.
If a viewer says that Cobi Jones has blazing speed, he downs the beer.

This game has potential, and I suspect we could all be strung up for
corrupting the youth (that's what they got Socrates with, btw). Take care,


From: cmorris@ccnet.com (Colin Morris)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 28, 1996

How about some refereeing ones:-

 Referee frantically waves his arms about to stop stadium clock and get
 five seconds added back on, one beer.

 Referee yellow cards player for over-exuberant goal celebration, one

 Cleats up, potentially shin-shattering tackle results in warning or
 yellow card from referee when it warrants an automatic red card, one

 "Shootout":- as many beers as you like to drown out the ensuing

From: sbrand@prairienet.org (Stephen Brand)
Subject: Re: MLS drinking game
Date: May 28, 1996

Regrettably, due to the practical problems of acquiring and consuming mass
quantities of beer that Ariel calls attention to, the game probably could not
accomodate the following oddities of ESPN coverage:

1. The ball is in play on the side nearest the camera, but is obscured 
   by some hideous graphic on the lower part of the screen tallying the
   number of times that each side spat on the pitch in the first half.
   Graphic will vanish only when the ball suddenly re-appears in the 
   penalty area of your team.  1 gulp.  

2. ESPN commentators take a cerebral promenade down memory lane, oblivious
   to steady midfield build up play that threatens to escalate into 
   offensive onslaught.  3 gulps.

3. Player gives polite ESPN interview at the half, interview ends, 
   camera stays on player for several seconds with the sound off, player's
   demeanour undergoes a remarkable change as he appears to be mouthing
   obscenities at the world in general ..... 5 gulps.

4. Odd camera work during the ESPN half-time show on Youth Soccer
   makes some innocent U-8 side look like "Village of the Damned" meets
   "Lord of the Flies"... 10 gulps.