From: (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: World Cup History--The Moral Champions
Date: 17 Dec 1993 23:25:31 GMT
Organization: U.C. Berkeley Math. Department.

Rubens S. Gomes  wrote:
>[Brasil should have won 6 world cups by now]

Of course,  if I wanted to flame you,  I would suggest that you start by
winning 6 Copa Americas,  but never mind that.  You're almost right.

Unfortunately,  there aren't enough world cups to go around!

Note:  in the analysis below I simply write Germany in the instances
where technically I should write West Germany.

1930:  Argentina should have won this cup!!  On the other hand Uruguay
       was the host and a great team.  So we need two cups here.
       Score:  Argentina 1  Uruguay 1

1934:  Ok the Italians get it because they're the hosts,  they are good,
       Mussolini makes the right trains run on time,  and Argentina does
       not show up (except in some key spots in the Italian squad).  No
       complaints here.
       Argentina 1  Italia 1  Uruguay 1

1938:  What the fuck?  Why is this cup being played in Europe again,
       instead of Argentina?  We have Bernabe Ferreyra too.  So fuck
       FIFA,  this one belongs to Argentina.  We need two cups here.
       Argentina 2  Italia 2  Uruguay 1

1950:  Argentina had the best player in the world,  Di Stefano.  Why is
       this cup being played in Brasil rather than Argentina?  FIFA
       sucks.  The airplane carrying the penta Serie A champion,  and
       Azzurri backbone Torino crashes and the whole squad dies.  Tragic
       but no cup.  In the tournament itself,  there is no question that
       Uruguay is the champion and there is NOTHING that Brasil can say.
       So we need two cups here.
       Argentina 3  Italia 2  Uruguay 2

Due to Jules Rimet condition,  Argentina gets to keep the cup forever. 
Hopefully nobody steals it.

1954:  Argentina still has the best player in the world,  but this time
       Hungary is very very impressive and it's Europe's turn so we lose
       the cup por boludos nomas.  Uruguay plays a hell of a game
       against Hungary in the semifinals,  which wears out the latter
       and suggests a reason for the end of their four year unbeaten
       streak in the final against West Germany.  The streak is worth an
       extra cup.
       Argentina 3  Germany 1 Hungary 1  Italia 2  Uruguay 2

1958:  Argentina says FUCK YOU FIFA WE'LL WIN IT ANYWAY and loses to 
       Checoslovakia 6-1.  Oh well.  Brasil win this and there is no
       extra cup.
       Argentina 3  Brasil 1  Germany 1  Hungary 1  Italia 2  Uruguay 2

1962:  Pele is hurt and the Reds dominate-- Hungary,  Checoslovakia,
       Yugoslavia and the Soviet Union reach quarterfinals,  Checks vs.
       Yugos in one semifinal,  but in the end it's just Brasil.  No
       extra cup.
       Argentina 3  Brasil 2  Germany 1  Hungary 1  Italia 2  Uruguay 2

1966:  The first truly rigged world cup.  England wins it because Pele
       gets literally kicked out of the cup,  Rattin gets kicked out of
       the game,  Uruguay gets totally ripped off against the Germans
       who in turn get the phantom goal treatment.  Nobody deserves this
       cup except Eusebio.  Still a cup is a cup and if I don't give it
       to the English they will whine endlessly.  So this one produces
       six cups total.
       Argentina 4  Brasil 3  England 1  Germany 2  Hungary 1  Italia 2
       Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3 

1970:  Brasil pulls FIFA's strings and the semifinal against Uruguay is
       played in Guadalajara  (where Brasil was staying) rather than el
       DF  (where Uruguay had been).  Also Argentina is unfairly paired
       against the great Peruvian team and cannot even qualify  (that
       was a great team godammit).  The Europeans don't even count.  In
       the end it's Pele Tostao Rivelinho & company producing the only
       perfect world cup record.  No extra cup.
       Argentina 4  Brasil 4  England 1  Germany 2  Hungary 1  Italia 2
       Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3

1974:  (West) Germany is the host and loses to (East) Germany, "luckily"
       slipping into the easy semifinal group;  in the other group,
       Argentina looks good for about 3 microseconds before everybody
       realizes that this is Holland's tournament.  Unfortunately they
       forget to win the final.  Give them the extra cup anyway because
       they were playing the host.
       Argentina 4  Brasil 4  England 1  Germany 3  Holland 1  Hungary 1
       Italia 2  Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3

1978:  FIFA finally gives Argentina the world cup,  and they couldn't
       have picked a better time as we have a fascist military
       dictatorship.  Thanks FIFA.  So Argentina has to win this cup,
       we have 4 of the "extras" already.  Italia beats us in the first
       round so we have to go to Rosario rather than stay in Buenos
       Aires.  In the semifinal round we draw Brasil 0-0 in a very tense
       game and it all comes down to which team can score more goals
       against the hapless P & P's.  FIFA schedule gives Argentina a
       break and we play Peru last,  score enough goals and get to the
       final;  there was no bribe watch the tape or read my report from
       last week.  In the final the poor Dutch play the host again and
       we get the beautiful paper shower on the field.  Fillol watches
       the ball hit the post on the 89th minute and we go to OT and win
       3-1.  Give an extra cup to Holland and a big box of Kleenex to
       Argentina 5  Brasil 4  England 1  Germany 3  Holland 2  Hungary 1
       Italia 2  Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3

1982:  Argentina outplayed Italia and Brasil (fuck the flamers--watch
       the tape) but no extra cup because we don't need it.  Brasil gets
       an extra cup because they only needed a tie and lost to Italia in
       the ultimate clash of styles.  After getting out of that group
       Italia has no problems.
       Argentina 5  Brasil 5  England 1  Germany 3  Holland 2  Hungary 1
       Italia 3  Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3

1986:  Dios aparece.  Seven Englishmen lie on the grass wondering where
       he went and sixty million on the island cry HE USED HIS BLOODY
       HAND.  La mano de Dios and then two GOLAZOS against Belgium to
       settle the matter.  The final is a formality which the Germans
       manage to complicate.  Brasil loses a heartbreaker, penalty kicks
       against France,  but of course they should have put the game away
       by putting the ball in the net so no extra cup for anybody.
       Second best tourney record in world cup history.
       Argentina 6  Brasil 5  England 1  Germany 3  Holland 2  Hungary 1
       Italia 3  Mozambique 1  Uruguay 3

1990:  This was the cup where the rigging was broken.  Everyone
       understood that Italia was going to win this cup,  but the
       northern Italians treated Argentina so revoltingly that we just
       had to eliminate them to make a point.  Unfortunately,  FIFA does
       not like it when agreements are broken,  so Codesal did his red
       card & penalty kick thing in the final. Brasilians actually think
       that they outplayed Argentina, but they forget to count the
       actual clear scoring chances.  Cameroon surprises lots of people,
       but they lack what it takes to make it past England.  The English
       are actually unlucky for once,  outplaying the Germans but losing
       on a fluke goal and penalty kicks.  No extra cups as the northern
       Italians were too rude (plus the extra-cup rule does not apply to
       host teams)  and the rest don't deserve one.

Final Count:

1. Argentina    6
2. Brasil       5
3. Germany      4
4. Italia       3
5. Uruguay      3
6. Holland      2
7. England      1
8. Hungary      1
9. Mozambique   1

Note that that is a total of 26 cups,  almost twice the actual number (14).