Jul 17, 1996    This won't hurt, believe me 
Jul 20, 1996    Turn out the lights, the Dream Team is losing
Jul 20, 1996    Goodbye rain forest
Jul 22, 1996    Just say yen
Jul 28, 1996    Massive flooding in Brasil
Jul 31, 1996    The last of the Europeans
Jul 31, 1996    Go Brasil Go
Jul 31, 1996    My condolences
Aug  2, 1996    Top 10 Razones Why Argentina will defeat Nigeria
Aug  3, 1996    Impressive
Aug  8, 1996	Brasil will destroy Mars
Aug  9, 1996    Top 10 Brasuca excuses

All the results from the 1996 Olympics can be found at 

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: This won't hurt, believe me
Date: July 17, 1996

I am worried about the fragile psyche of the USA Olympic squad. Will they be
able to handle the humiliation that they will suffer when they play Argentina?

I hope that they understand that they are hopelessly overmatched. I hope that
they understand that they were sent to the slaughter, and that that is no
reason to quit playing futbol.

My dear USAns, do not worry if you are not fit to tie our Argentinian laces.
You will grow, and in a few centuries, you might be a worthy opponent. Please
do not quit playing or watching futbol because of the severe thumping that you
are about to receive. Take comfort in the knowledge that many countries
(including all where the English language is more prevalent than here) are
also quantically inferior. Watch what we do, learn from it, enjoy the show
just like the fans, and remember the Olympic message that the important thing
is not to win or lose or avoid humiliation, but to participate.

Like an actor needs a stage, or a politician needs a bribe, our Seleccion
needs eleven opponents to score golazos against. Will it be a taquito? Perhaps
a big caņo? Ah, to truly mystify you, a rabona would surely do! For
pedagogical purposes, many paredes will be shown. And it would be a rare thing
to see, but surely useful, if you saw what a real bicicleta was, so that you
would not persist on misnaming the chilena.

So take heart, and let Morrisey's words guide you,

"Come Armaggedon, Come Armaggedon come"

From: Yousuf Zafar 
Date: July 18, 1996

Remember... Morrissey also sang:
"Fame, fame, fatal fame.  It can play hideous tricks on the brain."

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Turn out the lights, the Dream Team is losing
Date: July 20, 1996

I heard it through the grapevine that yesterday's opening ceremony was covered
by NBC with a generous dosage of jingoism directed at, among others, Cuba
(surprise surprise). As for Argentina, they referred to them as an aperitif
for the US basketball team.

Well it seems that when the score was Argentina 15 USA 14 the guy in charge of
the lights needed a bottle of Alka Seltzer, because there was a mysterious
blackout (maybe it was a commando from Sam's Army?).

In news a bit more pertinent to this newsgroup, Argentina 3 USA 1. Once again
from the grapevine, after a very early goal by the USA, total domination set
in and the final score was, how shall I put it, 'being a good guest'. I
happened to turn on the TV when "Corky" Costas was going through the
highlights, but I only caught the second goal. Ortega (Corky had trouble
remembering his name) got fouled in the midfield, and while the US players
were reviewing the rulebook (and the cameraman was watching a commercial)
there was a quick restart by the sneaky Argentinians leading to a cross from
the left and a tap in by Crespo.

The next item on the menu is Portugal, linguistically an aperitif for the main

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Goodbye rain forest
Date: July 22, 1996
[Olympics: Brazil 0, Japan 1]

Well it seems that we're just going to have to get used to breathing carbon
now, as 29% of the Amazon rain forest was chopped down yesterday to fill a
rush order of kleenex. 

Of course the savvy RSSer put everything he owned on Kleenex and is now making
out like a bandit. Bite me envious ones.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Just say yen
Date: July 22, 1996

It is nice to see that Brasil pays its debts. Now we know that there are two
ways to beat the brasucas:

1. Play better than they do--this one is hard, but if two countries that no
one has ever heard of like Argentina and Uruguay can do it, surely others
could follow suit? I call this method "Not for the Envious Ones".

2. Buy all their players at twice their value. I call this method "Made in

So the USA fans now know that the real key to finally beating Brasil is to get
the MLS to pay $10 million for Zico, $15 million for Dunga (maybe $20 million,
he is THAT good), $4 million for Juninho, etc. Of course you are welcome to
try it with Argentina but it probably won't work (look at what happened to the
Italians in 1990, for example).

In fact, now we see that the real problem that the FIFA All Stars had a week
ago was not that they had Ginola, or that there were not any English
players--it was that they only had one Japanese player. Maybe the wily Mr.
Miura played so poorly only so as to give the brasucas a false sense of
security--which is like encouraging them to get a suntan.

Well I hope that the brasucas have not hidden the gold medals in some place
where they can't get them when they are asked to return them due to the
technicality that they are not going to win the tournament [I could not find a
place for a comma]. After what happened to the Jules Rimet trophy, one never

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Massive flooding in Brasil
Date: July 28, 1996

RIO DO JANEIRO (AiPee): Massive flooding took place in various parts of Brasil
today when the sewage system was overflowed.

The cause of the overflow condition was the simultaneous flushing of 150
million toilets that took place when it was announced that Argentina had
defeated Espaņa by a score of 4-0.

Many Brasilians thought that the score was actually 5-0, but one of the goals
by Argentina was nullified because of offsides.

"I do not know what happened" said Joao Texeira, a napkin salesman in Rio.
"When I heard that the Argentinos won by such a big score, I had an urge to go
to the toilet. When I flushed, I heard a big sound, like a big wave. Then when
I came out everybody said to me 'did you just flush'. It was terrible, so much

Overwhelmed by the prospect of an adverse result during the gold medal match,
Brasilian officials are studying the possibility of giving exclusive rights of
the television telecast to the American television network NBC, so as to use
the 'plausible replay' technique in order to show either a non-adverse result,
or to stagger the reception of the result throughout the country so as to
avoid the simultaneity that caused today's flooding.

When asked about the government's precautions, Texeira wiped his forehead and
asserted that "I am not worried, I know we can beat Argentina. But it is good
that the government is prepared."

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: The last of the Europeans
Date: July 31, 1996

The Portuguese brought yet another installment of the insipid Eurofutbol today
against Argentina. 10 guys defending and one little guy that tried to do
something and got rather lonely. The puzzling thing is that that little guy,
Jose Dominguez, really could have done some damage; towards the end of the
game, the knowledgeable crowd at the Gaucho Meat Market had nothing but
respect for his efforts and nothing but contempt for that of his marker.

Argentina completely dominated the match, and if there were a couple of
chances for Portugal to score it was mostly because the Adoquin has yet to
find a stable defensive scheme that will avoid mishaps. But whereas Portugal
left its chances at the mercy of the errors of the opponent, several
Argentinians took the opportunity to show their opponents some of the
techniques that one can use to dust a dopey defender.

The sternest examiners were Ortega and Claudio "Piojo" Lopez. Time and time
again, they reminded their markers that they were not fit for duty.

On another plane altogether was Zanetti, who at this stage is the best player
in the world in his position. The strength of his defensive skills makes him a
100% no-questions-asked guarantee, while his drives up the field are only
stopped by the goal line rather than the opponent. The simplicity of his game
makes his appearances very consistent, so that we may be seeing the birth of
one of the greatest defenders the game has ever seen.

Of course, it seems hardly fair to compare the skills and accomplishments of
Argentina's squad with that of any of their opponents so far. Only if Brasil
manages to negotiate their final game against Nigeria can we expect to see a
true test. There are many flaws in "Adoquin" Passarella's design, but it takes
a better team than the USA, Tunisia, Espaņa or Portugal to really expose them.

Is Brasil that team? It only took Japan to expose their flaws. Nonetheless, 
it will be an interesting (and potentially humiliating) examination. I will 
be rooting for Brasil to show up for their exam on Saturday.

One final note on the European malady. It is really disappointing to see the
incoherence that results from a cowardly attitude that puts so many horses on
the field and so few thinkers. I suppose that from the point of view of a
national trainer, mediocrity is the surest route to a paycheck. If this trend
is not checked, it will not be long before the South American squads begin to
consider the African teams as the more dangerous opposition. That was
certainly the case in these Olympics--Argentina's path to the final has been
much easier than Brasil's.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Go Brasil Go
Date: July 31, 1996

Like a stopped watch that gives the correct time twice a day, the brasuca
perception that everybody wants them to win will be a bit closer to the truth
when they play Nigeria today. Every Argentinian I know would like to see them
negotiate this hurdle, and we hope that there will be no 'made in Japan'


PS: The savvy RSSer should note that there is no easier way to find an eager
and willing garota than to wear the fashionable albiceleste while chanting
"Dale Brasil"--however, one must take care that the garota is not a garotinho.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: My condolences
Date: July 31, 1996

I am sure that this must be a difficult time for our dear Brasucas, who were
so certain that they were the favorites. Although they had amassed an
overwhelming 3-1 lead at the end of the first half, the thing came undone in
the second half, with a goal at the 44' mark tying up the score and sending
the game into extra-time. There, the golden goal came to the Nigerians, who
thus advances to the final. Also noteworthy is the fact that in that second
half the Nigerians missed a penalty kick.

The Argentinians are very pissed off at the Nigerians for having prevented the
loyal opposition from reaching the final. Do not worry, my dear Brasucas,
Argentina will avenge your defeat.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Top 10 Razones Why Argentina will defeat Nigeria
Date: August 2, 1996

10. Against Argentina, you cannot hope to score 3 goals in the last 20 minutes
of a game.

9. The Nigerian players are still waiting for a translation of the rulebook
section titled "What Is A Foul".

8. African futbol has come a long way, but not all the way up to the top two
of South America.

7. Just to show they are fair, FIFA has instructed the referee to help

6. Many of the Nigerian players will not show up because they believed the
Brasucas when they claimed that Brasil had already won the gold medal.

5. Nigerians have big mouths.

4. Our cows are bigger.

3. We are better looking.

2. Nigeria's uniform is very ugly.

1. There is no more beautiful sight in the world than the albiceleste.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Impressive
Date: August 3, 1996

In a hard-fought game, Nigeria beat Argentina 3-2 and won the Olympic futbol
gold medal.

Argentina took the lead so early that the Mexican cameras were not yet showing
the game. The replay showed el Piojo Lopez heading the ball in.

Argentina kept pressing, but this tactic was not as successful against the
Nigerians as it had been against lesser opponents. The Africans showed good
individual technique and a willingness to pass the ball around quickly, thus
maintaining possession. Their sallies up the middle were particularly
dangerous, making paredes of the type that one expects (and all too rarely
saw) from Argentina.

Unfortunately, Argentina was trying to get something out of long passes that
usually failed. An excellent opportunity arose however when el Piojo found
himself all alone 40 meters out. He passed up a shot over the outbound
goalkeeper, passed him on the right too hard and could not reach the ball
before it went out of bounds.

In one of the aforementioned sallies Nigeria came very close to scoring, as
Amokachi (I think) shot underneath Cavallero and struck the inside post. Their
first  goal came on a header by a defender whose name I cannot remember, on 
a long cross, hitting the post and going in.

The second half had barely begun when Ortega received one of those long passes
and ran past the Nigerian line. A defender trying to get at the ball from
behind pushed Ortega a few times, and eventually el Burrito decided to fall
from this pushing, and the referee said penal. Crespo struck it hard and high
to the right post. 2-1.

Argentina kept pressing, and it seemed as though the third goal could come at
any moment. A Nigerian crossed a ball from the left and it struck an
Argentinian on the hand (Morales, I think), but the referee decided that the
ball went to the hand rather than the other way around. A few minutes later a
similar thing happened on the other end, when Ortega made a pass to an
onrushing Crespo and the defender fell backwards on the ball touching it with
his butt and his hand--once again, no penal.

After a few minutes, Nigeria settled down and once again began to control the
game. On a cross from the right, a Nigerian flicked the ball back with his
head, another Nigerian missed the ball completely, with such good fortune that
it went to another forward behind him, who flicked it softly into the upper
corner. 2-2 and it was anybody's game.

A few chances were created on both ends, with Nigeria being stopped by the
excellent work of Cavallero. With about two minutes to go the referee gave a
so-so foul to Nigeria at the left side of the penalty area. As the Nigerian
started towards the ball, the Argentinian defense decided to set an offside
trap and left an attacker all by himself at the penalty spot. The pass came to
him and without letting the ball touch the ground, he spun and struck it at
the outside post. The replay showed a very close offside, but the goal stood.
Shortly after that it was over, and Nigeria had the gold medal.

The decision to lay an offside trap at that moment was pretty stupid. Muchas
gracias Adoquin.

Overall, it was an excellent game and Nigeria showed that they have
considerable speed, strength, and talent. Tactically, Nigeria played a
superior game, and close offside notwithstanding, there is no doubt about
their being the better team on the field today. Meanwhile, el Adoquin
Passarella leaves yet another tournament without the big trophy...

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Date: Aug 8, 1996

AiPee (August 7)--Eager to take on a new challenge after destroying Earth, the
mighty Brasucas have thrown down the gauntlet against the new kids on the
solar system.

"We are not afraid of little green unicellular fossils", said the DT of
Brasil's national squad, "Fossilho" Zagallo. "Brasil is Brasil, even in Mars.
We have been training on Sugarloaf for the thinner atmosphere, and we are

"I will score muito goles", sobbed Bebeto while blowing his nose into a green
and white handkerchief. "I will carry the canarinhos to interplanetary
domination". When asked if any of his teammates should be left on the Red
Planet, Bebeto declined comment.

On the other side of Iguazu, the mood was skeptical. "The Brasucas will screw
it up. Then we will have to go and fix things" claimed the DT of Argentina,
"Adoquin" Passarella. "You have to be careful with the unicellular fossils,
they are better than they look. I would put 8 defenders and try some long
balls to my forwards. Because the air on Mars is so light, I would give my
players special air-filtering muzzles to ensure proper breathing".

When asked about sending an African squad to take on the Martians, a FIFA
representative answered that "we studied the situation, but it was decided
that the cold Martian temperatures would be detrimental to the African
squads". When it was pointed out that Brasil is also a warm country, the
representative became exasperated and briskly ended the meeting.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Top 10 Brasuca excuses
Date: August 9, 1996

Inspired by Miguel Ballicora's instruction for a clueless RSSer whose name we
will not mention (he goes to uc santa barbara):

10. "We did not care about that tournament"
9. "We sent second class players"
8. "Our league is more important than Copa America"
7. "Argentines bribed Peru"
6. "That was a friendly match"
5. "Tulio did it, but Maradona did it first"

Ok, I'll add four more.

4. We could not get to the stadium.
3. It was unfair, we had to play against Argentina and Uruguay.
2. We are more concerned with jogo bonito than the result.
1. We had a bad goalkeeper.

PS: I'm still waiting for a Brasuca to claim that a referee ever harmed them
in an official FIFA game outside of England 1966.

From: mazzare@primenet.com (Ariel Mazzarelli)
Subject: Re: Top 10 Brasuca excuses
Date: August 13, 1996

Irineu Carvalho  wrote:
>Edmundo's goal in Brasil - Uruguay in last Copa America (completely legal 
>goal unallowed by the referee).



Tulio, offside by five meters in the middle of the goalkeeper's box, AND
raising his hand (whether he was asking for the ball or offside is not clear).

The referee made an excellent call. Normally, I would be surprised to see such
gall from a knowledgeable fan, but I suppose that in Brasil it is just assumed
that the referee is in your pocket and when he is not, you cry "foul!".

Live by the Tulio, die by the Tulio. HA!

>Reinaldo's goal in WC78 against Sweden (referee finished the game with the 
>ball in the air after a corner kick).

Yeah, somebody else brought this one up. Still, the referee has every right to
end the game whenever he likes--so, a poor call, but hardly theft.