From: Paul Mettewie
Subject: Admission - My Dog Picked the Cup Drawing
Date: 05/12/2001

In a startling revelation, Riffster admits that his dog,
Ruffster, made the selections for the World Cup.

In an exclusive interview made available to RSS through
the auspices of the ABTFUSKF* foundation, the Ruffster
spoke through his owner, Riffster. (not TO Riffster, but
THROUGH him, we don't want any Son of Sam references

RIFF: Okay, fess up pooch, you screwed up again! Last
week it was crapping on the neighbors porch, this week
it was wrecking the picks at the World Cup! What's next,
banning the showing of "Showgirls" at the next Film Festival?

RUFF: I really don't want to speak about the incident with
the Campbell family - there are legal proceedings going on
at the moment and my lawyer has advised me to be quiet.

RIFF: Well, that's a first. Well, back to soccer - let's go
through the groups and you tell me why you drew them the
way you did and who will win and advance, okay?

RUFF: Hey, you're the guy talking to the dog - fire away.

RIFF: Well, let's start with Group A - France, Senegal,
Uruguay, Denmark. The obvious favorite is the French,
with Uruguay and Denmark next and Senegal an unknown.

RUFF: The French have great food, the Danes have great
pastries and Uruguay has - a River Plate which reminds me
of food but Senegal I know nothing about. But I drew them
like this because I wanted one country with great food, at
least one more with good food, another that *sounded* like
food, and then the "other" country that I had no feeling or
hated because of their food. France to win, and Denmark
second by a whisker...heh heh.

RIFF: Hokay - I think I know where you're going with this,
which is more than I can say about our walks in the park. Okay,
how about Group B - Spain, Slovenia, Paraguay, and South
Africa? Spain is probably the favorite, but watch out for both
Slovenia and Paraguay - dangerous sides. And nobody really
gives South Africa much of a chance....

RUFF: Spain, easily best food - Slovenia I have no idea, but
put it this way, if someone dropped me off in front of a Slovenian
restaurant and said "go play in the garbage" I would jump back
in the car and demand a bath. Paraguay sounds like it might have
good food so I will give it the benefit of the doubt. South Africa
I have no idea how the food is - they are unknown too.

RIFF: Okay, Group C - Brazil, Turkey, China, Costa Rica. Looks
like one of the easier groups maybe, hey Ruffster? Brazil is the
traditional pick here, but they are struggling, Turkey had a pretty
impressive qualification process though not much of a tradition,
China is a newcomer and Costa Rica is generally not given much
of a chance. A bit of a weak sister, this group, eh Ruffy?

RUFF: MAIS NON (my dog is bi-woofable) Anything but - this
is the GROUP OF FOOD DEATH!!! Brazil has wonderful cuisine
and so does China and Costa Rica - and Turkey is the best sounding
country in the World! A fantastic canine gastronomical wonder! I
will be riveted in front of the set for every group match! I don't whom
to pick (or eat for that matter.) Make sure that you bring plenty of
Kibbles 'n' Bits!

RIFF:'ll get Purina and like it mutt! Okay, now for
Group D - South Korea, Poland, United States and Portugal. Looks
like an easy one for the Portuguese with Poland finishing second
ahead of a game but outmanned South Korea and the USA bringing
up the rear.

RUFF: Not my favorite group would be an understatement for this
one. I will not say one word more about "that country" - would you
favor the entry of cannibals into the Cup? Answer me or I go on the
carpet right now!

RIFF: Okay, okay, don't do it again please! I am low on carpet cleaner!
No, I would not want a World Cup with cannibals! For one thing, they
might have some trouble finishing games full strength.....

RUFF: Enough already - you are looking at having some steak, I am
looking at dry food by-products and stale water, I don't need any
more of a queasy stomach than I already have....

RIFF: Okay, back to your analysis - do you notice if you say that
quick it sounds like a doping test? Your analysis? Your analysis?

RUFF: You need analysis!

RIFF: I have you for a pet, don't I?

RUFF: I'm all that keeps you from Prozacville!

RIFF: Okay, already - please let's get back to group D without
any mention of "that country"!

RUFF: Okay, Poland has so-so food, Portugal has good food and
the USA has horrible food. So my pick is - Portugal first, Poland
second, USA third and that other country gets disqualified.

RIFF: You can't do that!

RUFF: Hey, I already picked the countries, who says I can't unpick
them too? Remember, you don't have much to stand on, you are the
one interviewing a four-year old terrier!

RIFF: Don't I know it! And in your case dog years equal human
years! (Ruffster snarls) Okay, Ruffy, just joking, these are good
pants I'm wearing! Just joking! I know one dog year equals seven
human years! Okay - on to Group E, okay?

RUFF: Okay - in your case one dog year equals 12 human years,
maybe more.

RIFF: Hey, I said I would stop! Okay, here is the lineup for E -
Germany, Saudi Arabia, Ireland and Cameroon. Looks like a
group with Germany first, Ireland second and Saudi Arabia and
Cameroon fighting for third? What do you think?

RUFF: Germany first no doubt - I love snausages, I mean
sausages! But as to the others I am unsure -- Saudi Arabia
and Ireland - both have okay food. I like lamb, but then again
I like corned beef - tough to pick. But Cameroon almost sounds
like a Macaroon, and I think they're yummy, so I guess I will
pick Macaroon or whatever it is called for second.

RIFF: And I thought my soccer knowledge was bad....yeah,
yeah, I know, I'm the one talking to a dog! Okay, Group F -
Argentina, Nigeria, England and Sweden - looks like a very
tough group - a real Group of Death. What do you think?

RUFF: No way - Argentina and Sweden easy. Argentina
has great beef and wine and other fine food (and you thought
dogs didn't follow Robert Parker, mine does!) so they are
easy first place finishers. Sweden has excellent pastries so
they finish second. Nigeria sounds like a disease and England
has the worst food this side of the USA. Easy picking!

RIFF: Nigeria sounds like a disease? Whew boy, you aren't
going for the pupularity vote are you? Get it? PUPularity?
Har har har.....

RUFF: If I could divorce you, I would!

RIFF: No one would take you - you're an obvious malcontent!

RUFF: My disposition would improve as soon as I walked
out a free dog! No more Riffster puns! No more Riffster Inter!
Free at last, free at last, oh almighty Alpo I am free at last!

RIFF: Martin Luther King you're not - besides you are white
and tan - not black and tan, which reminds me, I'm thirsty.

RUFF: Stop! Stop! The horror! The horror! (Rolls over and
plays dead. First time he ever did a trick.)

RIFF: Okay, I promise - no more puns (didn't see my fingers
crossed though....). How about Group G - Italy, Ecuador,
Croatia and Mexico. Sounds like the Italians will finish first,
with Croatia and Ecuador battling for second. Mexico seems
a bit weaker this year, eh?

RUFF: Wrong again, pal! Italy will indeed finish first - the only
reason that dog was caught in the ashes at Pompei was because
he was dining doggie deluxe on some luscious table scraps!
But the surprise is Mexico in second - great food. I have no
idea about either Ecuador or Croatia - except that I have never
had Ecuadorian or Croatian food. So they are out of it - or at
least they are out of my mind, which I am going to be if I have to
talk to you much longer.

RIFF: Last group, Ruffy - then you get a doggie biscuit. And
remember I didn't make the crack about Macaroon, you did!

RUFF: Well, I was serious. You were trying to be funny.

RIFF: Story of my life.....

RUFF: Okay, let's not delve into tragi-comedy, how about
footy instead?

RIFF: You're right - okay, Group H - the last group (hosannah!)
Japan, Belgium, Russia and Tunisia. Looks like an tough group
to pick a winner - the hosts could be helped by the home crowd
while neither of the other three looks invincible nor weak. What
do you think?

RUFF: Again an easy pick - Belgium has great chocolate, so
they win. Japan and Russia both belong in the Cuisine Stockade
as far as I'm concerned, so Tunisia makes it through out of
default. Besides I like the sound of "cous cous".

RIFF: Well, so we have the following:
GROUP A: France and Denmark
GROUP B: Spain and Paraguay
GROUP C: (flips biscuit and it comes up with) China and Costa Rica!!!
GROUP D: Portugal and Poland
GROUP E: Germany and Cameroon
GROUP F: Argentina and Sweden
GROUP G: Italy and Mexico
GROUP H: Belgium and Tunisia

RUFF: Yummy!

RIFF: Okay, picks for the Round of 16? Germay vs. Paraguay?

RUFF: Have to go with Der Snausages!

RIFF: Ah, yes. Germany I think. Okay, next match - France vs. Sweden.

RUFF: Another case of the pastry not holding holding up to the main course -
France of course!

RIFF: Kind of like them getting their just desserts, eh?

RUFF: (growls)

RIFF: Hokay - moving along now - how about Spain vs. Cameroon.

RUFF: Here the sweets have their revenge. Macaroon in a cakewalk
over the Paella Boyz. But it may go overtime if they use the Primat.

RIFF: Enough with the obscure wine references, okay? Next match
has Italy versus Poland.

RUFF: Italy has everything Poland has and more - I love
Snausages, but Italy has that and so much more. Italy!

RIFF: Okay - a strange pick (but then I am talking to a dog, so why
am wondering....) China vs. Tunisia.

RUFF: China is too strong for Tunisia, Riff me boy.

RIFF: You could say that Tunisia will falafil after the match, eh?

RUFF: (begins to pick up a hind leg....)

RIFF: Okay, that was my one pun for this round, okay?

RUFF: No more!!!

RIFF: Okay, next match is Belgium vs. Costa Rica...what say you?

RUFF: Costa Rica has too much beans for the Truffle Boyz. Go Ticos!

RIFF: And I am the one with the bad jokes? Et tu, Ruffster?

RUFF: Hey, I'm the star here - you're just holding the mike!

RIFF: Okay, forget about it. What about the last round of 16 game
- Portugal vs. Mexico.

RUFF: A close one but I gotta go with Mexico. Ole Tri!

RIFF: Okay, so we have France vs. China in the quarters -
looks like a blowout but I am afraid to ask you.....

RUFF: Hey, who's answering here? Me or you? I take China
and before you choke, understand that their cuisine is hundreds
of year older than France's. When the Chinese were mixing
up wondrous meals, the French were busy trying to eat raw

RIFF: There goes your Legion of Merit - and remind me to
take back that Guide Michelin you have stashed in the doghouse.
Okay, what about Germany vs. Italy - a clash of Titans!

RUFF: Not even close - Italy steams the snausages just like
they did the Poles!

RIFF: Alright, if you say so. How about another wierd
pairing for the quarters - Cameroon against Mexico.

RUFF: The Macaroons spoil my appetite and I just can't
get to the main course so Macaroon in a match that ends
before it starts due to a severe sugar rush.

RIFF: You're delusional, you know that? Okay, now to the
last quarterfinal, Argentina against Costa Rica, and I hope
you use your mind not your stomach this time.

RUFF: Hey, brains, I'm a dog, what do you think rules me?
Well, outside that other thing - but's this a family newsgroup
isn't it? Okay, so I am picking Costa Rica and if you don't
like that pobresito, that's too bad!

RIFF: Sheesh - okay - the semifinals. First match is Italy
vs. Maca - oh christ - CAmeroon.

RUFF: One for the ages - goes to a golden goal and Italy
wins because they have more gold in their cuisine than
Macaroon does. Pasta, veal, Pinot Grigio......

RIFF: I had to ask. Okay, next is China versus Argentina.
Might I ask if there is a sane answer approaching on the

RUFF: No you may not, and no the answer is not sane
because I am a hungry house pet who thinks of food first,
last, and always. China wins and it's not even close!

RIFF: Help. Somebody help!

RUFF: You needed that a long time ago. Too late now.

RIFF: You're probably right. Okay, let's end the misery.
Cameroon vs. Argentina in the consolation game. No one
cares, but you aren't just any person - you're a dog.

RUFF: And don't you forget it, bub! Okay, here I am
picking the Macaroons to upset a devastated Argie
side that lost to the first-timers from China!

RIFF: Well, one thing I have to hand to you is that
you're consistent. Consistently nuts.

RUFF: Yeah, yeah, but I don't interview the squirrel
in the front yard, do I?

RIFF: Yeah, you freakin' chase it all over the block!

RUFF: Which is what I'm *supposed* to do, Riff!
Unlike you, who are interviewing a quadruped about
the World Cup!

RIFF: Okay, let's just get it over with - the final between
Italy and China. I am going to cover my ears and sing
real loud so I don't hear it!

RUFF: Italy takes a big early lead, but they get too
scared by playing well and not being their typical
boring selves, so that lets the Chinese back into it.
The Chinese score twice in the dying minutes to send
the game to extra time, where Italy misses many easy
chances to score. It goes to penalty kicks and it is still
tied after the five proscribed kicks. It goes to extra
kicks and China wins on the fourteenth kick!!!


- Riff "*Anything But Freaking UKSF" Ster