From: Riffster (
Date: 2002-05-31 
Subject: World Cup Trolling Guide - The Infinitive Version 

As I await the last minutes before the 2002 extravaganza of the
FIFA World Cup (sponsored by Toshiba.....oops....sorry, can't
get that out of my head - marketing drumbeat) I thought I would
kill time after nervously waiting out a power outage in my part
of town. Only my part of town - just a few buildings and houses --
why is it me? Why now? There is definitely a conspiracy against
soccer in the USA -- and it is focused on me.....yikes.

Anyway, for you trollers, trollees, troller wannabees, trollee
wannanots, metatrollees, metatrollers, etc., etc., etc.,....


The World Cup Guide to Trolling - 2002 version
all rights reserved, Paranoid Publishing, Inc.,

Why is there a World Cup of soccer? I'll tell you why
-- so people can argue with one another. No other good
reason, or at least that is what they are telling us from So if learned intellectuals like
those guys and gals (?) are expounding on such theses,
it must be true.

Of course it must be true - after all those people went
to college. Or at least they played football there -- two
things that don't necessarily intertwine as the NCAA
Enforcement Committee would tell you.

Anyway, to cut my gasbag of an introduction short (or
at least shorter), here is my small contribution to the
state of soccer argument - Internet division.


Why Troll?

Why troll? In a way, if you have been on the net long
enough, this question is almost like asking "To be or not
to be?" or "Why climb Mt. Everest?" or "Why is there
air?" or even "Why does Microsoft Windows suck so bad?"

Because it is there. Or because you are there. Or because
you have no social dialogue with others beyond your
keyboard. Or because Bill Gates is the Devil himself.

Trolling is sort of like foreplay -- a lot of fumbling and
cussing while one or more people attempt to excite
you or themselves -- sometimes even both parties at
once. Occasionally lucid dialogue is exchanged -- but
more often than not, a lot of noise and not much else
(see Shakespeare, Willy "Much Ado About Nothing")
is going to happen.

So, basically, if you are asking this question -- you are
either never going to understand it, or you understand
it too well because you are a filthy troller.



When to Troll?

When to troll? There are better times to troll of course --
usually when one or more players are found naked/drunk/
beaten to a pulp/on drugs/banned is a good time. The
same goes for their managers and team presidents. Second
to this is relegation and bad form, followed by anything
involving Inter (which usually combines all of the above,
with dashes of chaos and the random prostitute or two
thrown in for good measure.)

But basically, troll whenever, troll before the Cup with
your basic "Spain is a choker side - history says so" thru
"Italy are a bunch of divers" onto more esoteric fare like
"China is full of Chinese, I don't like them Chinese" and
"The USA sucks once again - why don't you bloody
Americans shut the f*ck up!".

Troll during the Cup with the same as above, plus add
vitriolic statements about referees, stadiums, culture,
food, marketing, announcers, local flora and fauna, and
the odd remark about formations and playing form.

After the Cup is even more free-form. Go on to make
pointed and lewd remarks about any poster on RSS or
any celebrity you wish. Talk about Posh's behind, or
Maldini's wife - or how many times Vicky has been
propositioned in the last 24 hours.


How to Troll?

How to troll? If you have to read this to learn how to
troll, you are a bigger simpleton than you were when
you started to read this post (then again, maybe that
says something about me....) But right there is a troll --
just insult someone's intelligence, preferably showing
some of your own, that is of course, assuming you have
any you malodorous, toffee-nosed pervert.


Personally I favor somewhat outrageous, yet oblique
trolls that somehow manage to insult everyone without
really getting somebody angry. At least I hope that is the
case. For example, the declaration that "The Dutch aren't
the best team that didn't make the World Cup, they are
a bunch of whining, overpaid, badly-coiffed babies who
aren't worthy to mention the name Johann Cruyff, much
less try to play like one-tenth of the player he once was."

This will hopefully enrage not just the Dutch, but most
of the rest of RSS -- a bunch of babies if I ever saw a
bunch of babies (and I have never seen anyone on RSS
which is probably fortunate for both you and me.)

And actually it will probably not enrage the Dutch, who
are a placid, reasonable people who would probably
look better in a verdant pasture, munching calmly on
stalks of rye grass whilst contemplating their next cud-
cycle. It will instead enrage the Germans, who are
generally acknowledged to be belligerent know-it-alls
with a superior air and mediocre football.

Why is this?

Don't ask me -- I didn't invent the Schlieffen Plan. Ask
Moltke, Hindenburg or some other long-dead Prussian
Field Marshall.

Not to leave South America out of it -- the Argies are
always a fun target (although less so because Ariel is
not around anymore.) But Marcelo and Uruguay are
capable stand-ins and can easily be targeted simply by
mentioning one word:


There I did it. A nice enough sounding name. One that
almost rolls off the tongue like the new taste sensation
at Starbucks (sorry for the Yankee-centric cultural
reference but hey, we run the world, the rest of you
are just renting from US. Hehe.)

The Brasilians are almost too easy -- is there any player
on Brasil that isn't so ugly you want to puke when they
play -- no matter how wonderful their soccer? I don't
think so -- although some of Ecuadorian and Mexican
side give them a close run for their money. Yuk.

Trolls of the USA are almost superfluous -- a bunch of
midget half-talents that can only work up a goalkeeper
controversy on the eve of the Cup. I mean, come on now
Yanks - just a quibble about who is starting between the
pipes? Pathetic - just like the American side.

Africa? Asia?


So there -- a quick roundup of potential trolling points
with a smidgen of Troll Philosophy thrown in for good
(or bad or worse) measure.

If you don't like it - stick it where the Magic Sponge
don't wash boy-o.


Where to Troll?

Where to troll?

I don't believe you are reading this.

What an idiot you are.*

- Riff "  Shyaddup " Ster

* (for any stunned goat from
    the correct phrase would be:

   I don't believes you is reading dis stuff.)

- Riff " Shyaddup Again" Ster